I’ve been working

I have, in fact, been working and making efforts toward those things that I wanted!

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And I broke out in a stress rash because of it.  I’d share a pic but it’s on my tummy and I’m incredibly insecure about my tummy.  Also that’s gross.

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Anyway, so I did a couple of job applications and a couple of job interviews and..weirdly…a couple of job offers.  One offer as a clinical director (exactly what I wanted right?) … turned out terribly.  I had a panic attack leaving the interview, an interview that, by the way I felt went terribly.  I felt like I sounded like an idiot and just smiled and rocked the whole way through.  But I got the offer.  I felt weird about it, so I chatted with my partner about it, mostly just to vent and get support and hold me while I rocked.  But the pay was way too little and I would have lost health insurance, a deal breaker given my misfiring immune system and random inability to walk or use my hands.

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The second one was better.  It was actually at a site I trained at before and with my old supervisor, basically for my other old supervisors position.  It went super well, my old sup was excited to chat and offered me the position.  It’s part time, which would me I would get to keep the job that pays the bills while doing what I’ve really wanted–supervising and taking part in the administration the clinical training program.  So I accepted.

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Enter my eeeeeeekkkkkkssss!  Cause then I had to talk to my current job about changing things ups.  I explained I wanted to keep my hours (I had, after all, kept a second job this entire time so this wasn’t anything new to them).  But that means I have to move some clients, which I find very hard.  I don’t like being inconvenient to them.  And, as much as I desperately want my Saturdays back, my Saturday clients really appreciate my having office hours that day.  So I have to confirm my planned hours with my boss and anxiously talk to my clients about changing appointment times.

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I hate change.  But I also love it.  I break out in stress-induce eczema on the reg.  And now my RA is flaring up and my feet are all Little Mermaid-y (reference to the Hans Christian Anderson verson).

So to counteract this, I bought some new books and snuggled with the beag today.  Tomorrow I will send out the appropriate emails and also try to not freak out.  Wish me luck!

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Back! (I think. I hope.)

So I really don’t know where to start.  I have been absent from writing for well over a year now.  This was never my intention, but it just became a thing.  I can’t excuse it.  I don’t want to because this blog has very much been a self-care thing for me.

But my life has also changed pretty significantly in that year.  The biggest changes being that I ended a long-term relationship.  This was definitely for the best.  I feel better than I have in a long time.     I have finally dealt with and have some answers (or at least lack of further questions) with my health.  I became fully licensed as a clinical psychologist, meaning that I am no longer a trainee.  I have a new job that I feel significantly happier in so far.  I started a new relationship that is pretty awesome.  Overall, I feel like I am in a better place, having come to terms with a few of the things that led me to the anxious and irritable place that I was in.

So what got me back here and wanting to write this was looking one of my last posts.  Things that I wanted and goals.  I think I met a few of those.  I’m definitely still working on others.  I still struggle with social anxiety.  That’s something I’ve come to accept will probably never change.  I was shy and anxious as a kid (sometimes I do wonder if I would have met criteria for Selective Mutism, but my parents are not best record keepers and I don’t trust my own memories).  But, I feel more together and confident in a lot of areas.  The changes that happened were necessary and positive.

Yep.  Here I am.  Getting back into something that makes me happy.  Again, even if no one reads it.  I’m still trying figure out where I want to go with this.  I enjoy writing in such a stream of consciousness way.  I miss being able to just start on a topic and see where it takes me.  So I missed this.  Here I am!  Yay and I am making a commitment to myself to start writing again!

Here’s a Cumby!