November 23, 2014 Leave a comment
I feel incredibly awful about having not written anything in nearly 4 months. I ‘ve half written like 8 posts that just fizzled at some point. I actually can’t even believe how much time has passed. Mostly due to incredibly busy schedules and adjusting to new jobs and adult life which, as it turns out, sucks as bad as I always feared it would. See, I thought, I hoped, that it would be one of those things that I built myself up for so much and then when it came it would all turn out to be okay. Nope. Nope nope nope nope nope. Sucks. Real bad. Hate it, hate everything about it.
Long story short, I may have entered adult world, but I am still my 5 year-old self who clearly wants to be left alone to play with my Legos and watch X Files in peace, and please don’t interrupt me while I’m reading.
And, as it turns out, that is not how a functional adult functions.
This is a fact I was not prepared for. And it has now gotten me in trouble. Gone are the days when I can kick ass and do my work alone in peace and kick ass at it while I make snarky comments under my breath because at least I know I kick ass at the work that I do. No, apparently and this sucks real bad, I have to do this socialize thing.
I’m going to blame my parents for not preparing me for this “office politics” thing. I don’t really have a basis for this, but I can’t afford therapy right now. Sorry Mom and Dad. 😦 I’m sure you did your best with me, but I fail in the functional socialization aspect of life.
Anyway, apparently I don’t smile and chat enough at work and everyone hates me. I seem to come off as “disengaged.” Not sure what to with this information other than feel really bad about myself. Can’t seem to get past that stage….
But this is where I get so frustrated with myself. I fully recognize that I am bad at interacting. I don’t like it cause it’s genuinely hard when I first meet people. I am one of those people who has to mindfully tell myself to look up from the ground, to look at people, and to smile, and to show interest. It would be wonderful if these things came naturally. But they don’t. I’m usually not paying attention to my surroundings because I’m lost in my own thoughts, focused on whatever I’m doing or some random thought that popped up in my head. I also have to mindfully tell myself to compliment or comment on people around me. But I also have to focus on filtering the weird, tangential thoughts that I have to something more appropriate. This, my friends, takes a minute. So it ends up in this situation where I have to take a minute to put together thoughts into something socially appropriate, at which point the conversation has usually taken a turn or I have missed my opportunity. And again I end up seeming disinterested, no matter the effort I’m putting forward. These are the things that suck.
Now, for my own self, I prefer just embracing the introverted thing. That gives me the leeway to get used to a situation, see how much I actually have to filter and what I can get away with not filtering, also reducing the anxiety that makes the filter work slower. Most of the time, this has worked out fine. I spend a few months looking like a quiet weirdo and then come out of my protective hate shell.
But adult world does not want to be this patient. So I am here now, drinking wine and wondering if Irishing up my coffee will help things when I return to work in the morning. Introvert Fail.
I promise I’m really not a cold, disinterested bitch! At least not on purpose!
Although, in all fairness, I don’t ask anyone else to give a fuck about Asimov’s Foundation Triology or which David Bowie Era was the most creative. <—Defensiveness
Long story short, absenteeism=shy adult anxiety stifling word writing ability.