This is me being lost. I will forever be lost.

Part of me getting back into writing is my attempt to figure out what the hell I’m doing with my life.  This seems very silly.  I have doctorate.  I work full time and do pretty well in a private psychology practice.  And I’m an adjunct instructor in psychology.  But there’s a few struggles I’m having with all of this.

Part of it is just the sheer case management and frustration of a full time case load of upwards of 35-40 clients.  I don’t see all of them every week and some are more demanding than others.  But when it comes to returning phone calls, consulting with schools, crisis calls, insurance crap, documentation, etc.  It’s just all very frustrating.  It’s not that I didn’t know what I was getting into when I started, it’s more that half of this is mindless (mostly the insurance and documentation stuff) and the other stuff is so difficult to find boundaries with.  Going above and beyond for clients and not seeing them do better and having to hold that frustration for dozens of people is eventually exhausting, especially when you are wanting to do it all perfectly and better.  I feel constantly anxious about what parents are going to yell at me and I guess I’m still figuring out my boundaries in all of this.  Also seeking 6-9 clients a day without time to process and manage everything that should go into each and every client is not realistic.  I’ve dropped down how many clients I see a day since I got diagnosed and was just forced to recognize I don’t have the energy.  But it is sill hard.  I realize that all of that doesn’t seem difficult to many people.  “It’ just listening/talking.”  If your therapist is good, it’s way more than that.  And again, the listening/talking is what you see from your therapist.  The other half of it happens behind the scenes.

The other part of this is simply not feeling intellectually challenged.  This part has nothing to do with clients.  Client sessions can be intellectually exhausting.  Balancing listening, theorizing, scanning your mind for data, resources, and interventions, and simply being present with the client.  Doing all of these at different points in the session.  However, since being in private practice I really really miss consultation groups, in-service trainings, meetings, etc.  I’ve found this so absent.  We do have monthly “trainings” but these are not super interesting, not challenging, and honestly not the most cutting edge.  I can only hear a lecture on ACT so many times.  I miss learning.  I miss the classroom.  THis is why I continue to adjunct even though it’s time consuming and really not worth the money.  I like finding the new research and I like discussing with young clinicians about what they experience.  I like having committed time to consult and bounce ideas off of others.  I have no idea how people just do private practice.  I’m finally understanding why some people find it so isolating.

The last bit of this is simply that I feel like I want to do more.  I want to be involved in more systems, higher level systems and organizations.  Perhaps this is because of the state of Trump’s America.  I get pissed about the way people talk about healthcare and access.  I want to be more involved in these discussions and find ways to ensure that people who need healthcare are getting it.  I get pissed about how we talk about gender, race, and sexuality.  I want to be involved in that discussion and finding solutions.  Basically I feel like I’m not doing enough.  Whether I’m involved in training, administration, community consultation, whatever, I want to do more.

So what I’m  thinking about is how I can do more and feel more fulfilled.  I’m thinking about my options and trying out different things.  I’ve applied for different positions, Clinical Director of a site that works with DCFS and child abuse/child custody stuff, I applied as a Supervisor at a Community Mental Health to be involved in training and competence, and I’m also looking at a few other things.  I’m also thinking about getting more involved in APA and other organizations.  I’m involved in AWP already and thinking about doing more there.  I’ve entertained the idea of doing a Master’s of Public Policy to get more involved in government.  IDK.  But I’m working on it.  I have an idea of what my options are, and thinking more and more about it.  I have nothing figured out.  Also, when I interviewed for the Clinical Director Position I felt like an ass.  Like totally unprepared.

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I had a terrible realization…

I had this little realization the other day…

See I just bought a bike a few days ago.  I was all excited because this meant I could run errands on my bike, bike to work (cause my new job is super close!), and get some exercise/relaxation at the local bike paths and forest preserves.  All around, pretty happy right?

Within a mile of my first fucking outing my self kicked in.  My brain.  My stupid brain.  My stupid internal competitiveness and attitude of self-hate.  All of the sudden, instead of going for a leisurely bike ride, I was competing with myself.  Timing myself and setting immediate goals.  What’s my time now?  What’s my speed?  How far can I go today?  How long until I can do 20 miles?  That’s too easy, 30 miles by the end of the month.  What schedule should I be on?  How many days a week can I get in an hour bike ride?  What’s my speed now?  What if someone is better than me?  How long before I’m better than them?  How much weight can I lose?  How much muscle can I gain if I do this 5 times per week?  Should I take a class or do a race?  Not until I can finish in the top 5%.  What’s even the point of doing this unless I’m going to compete.  I should at least be better than that rando I just passed.  I bet I can be healthier than my sister if I stick with this.

This thinking style sneaks up on me pretty much every time I start a new thing.  If I start running, I can’t just run.  I have to building.  I have to be competing with someone, even though they usually don’t know that they’re competing with me.  I can’t just have a hobby, I have to do it to until I pass out.  I have to give it my all.  It’s do or don’t.  And I don’t just let myself enjoy any of it.

It’s a terrible mentality that was drilled into me when I was a kid.  I was already a kind of obsessive kid (neurotypicalities kinda run in my family).  And then I started playing basketball.  Just a little background: in the town I grew up in, girls’ basketball was INSANE.  Like, we were just kind of expected to go to state.  You played year round, be it summer leagues, preseason conditioning, etc.  It was hypercompetitive to even make the team, let alone get any playing time.

I think my parents tried to put some limits on it when I was younger.  I wasn’t allowed to play travel teams (although I think this was also partly cost).  But my parents told me that high level of competitiveness wasn’t good for kids.  I was just bitter about because it meant I was falling behind.  So, just to make the team, I had to work harder and harder and harder.  Dedicate so much time to it.  It wasn’t healthy.  I knew it, because I wasn’t eating well, I wasn’t focusing, and I didn’t even care about playing so much as I just wanted to be better.  I was actually pretty miserable playing.  Especially once I started high school.  I didn’t even have any friends on the team and I’m pretty sure I cried out of frustration or physical pain every time I came home.  But I played for another year, and intended to play the following year.  I quit partly because of depression and partly because I felt I had to work.

But then that hyperfocus, hypercompetitiveness just transferred into my work.  I took like all of the hours that I could at work.  I wanted more and all the responsibilities.  I ended up moving jobs to get more time and experience and money.  By my senior year of high school, I worked two jobs, was enrolled part time in college courses and part time in high school, and was acting as a tech crew leader for the theater.  I was also applying to colleges and trying to get scholarships.  I don’t think that I ever stopped to enjoy any of this stuff.  I mean, it helped me to avoid the depression.  That was great.  But I just had to keep doing things and keep doing better and be a better worker than everyone around me.  Even if no one else knew.  (In fact, the other AP students would often say I didn’t deserve to be in the AP classes because I wouldn’t do the homework and they thought I was dumb.  Fuck those guys.  I killed the tests, which was all that mattered).

I struggle to slow down.  I struggle to relax and enjoy what I do and what’s going on around me.  I just have this constant need to work harder.  Go faster.  Do better than whatever I was doing.

That doesn’t sound like a terrible thing to some people, right?  No.  And in some ways it has been super helpful in getting me through college and grad school.  Getting a good job, two good jobs.  And putting my life back together when things get rough.

But at the end of the day, I end up exhausted.  Burnt out.  Isolated from the people and things around me because of my hyperfocus.  I know that it pushes people away.  And maybe I do it because, in addition to helping me avoid negative moods, it enables my social anxiety.  When I’m focused on work, I have a reason to avoid people.  I feel like if my friends saw this, they would be confused.  Because I don’t really do hobbies, at least I don’t get into them.  I don’t because I hate myself within 6 months after I start them; I’m burnt out and angry that I spent money.

Since I’ve had this realization, I’ve decided to try and be mindful about it.  Use it when I want to and try to manage it when I don’t want it interfering.  It’s a work in progress.

Bowie tried to save us.

I’m officially convinced that it was, in fact, David Bowie that was keeping all of the goodness in the world.  He took all of the bad and evil in the world and channeled it all to good and happy and wonder and curiosity.  And that’s why he was amazing.

See, for decades Bowie was able to take all of the evil and negative, absorb it, and turn it into, well…

Image result for david bowie albums

Yeah, all of that and so much more.

I believe that he tried his very hardest to do his best for human kind.  He absorbed what he bad and hate that he could.  But there was clearly too much. And it turned to cancer.  He couldn’t control it anymore.  And, yeah.

I mean, look at the world since he passed.  I don’t understand w. I’m not saying that Bowie was the last string holding shit together, I’m just saying.  We have lost his amazing glow.

We lost his beautiful metaphors and story telling about saving the world.  His many lyrical warnings and worries, that he refused to explain (See: Valentine’s Day).  Many times he tried to tell us that he had come here to save worlds and make things okay again (All the Young Dudes, StarMan, all of The Man Who Fell to Earth), but the world just wouldn’t let him.  He did everything he could to soak up the negativity and replace it with wonder.

We failed Bowie.  And now we have to suffer the consequences.  For not respecting all that Bowie did for us, that beautiful orange-haired space man was taken back to where ever he came from.  We are left with some other sort of orange-faced, hate-filled monster…It won’t end well.

Back! (I think. I hope.)

So I really don’t know where to start.  I have been absent from writing for well over a year now.  This was never my intention, but it just became a thing.  I can’t excuse it.  I don’t want to because this blog has very much been a self-care thing for me.

But my life has also changed pretty significantly in that year.  The biggest changes being that I ended a long-term relationship.  This was definitely for the best.  I feel better than I have in a long time.     I have finally dealt with and have some answers (or at least lack of further questions) with my health.  I became fully licensed as a clinical psychologist, meaning that I am no longer a trainee.  I have a new job that I feel significantly happier in so far.  I started a new relationship that is pretty awesome.  Overall, I feel like I am in a better place, having come to terms with a few of the things that led me to the anxious and irritable place that I was in.

So what got me back here and wanting to write this was looking one of my last posts.  Things that I wanted and goals.  I think I met a few of those.  I’m definitely still working on others.  I still struggle with social anxiety.  That’s something I’ve come to accept will probably never change.  I was shy and anxious as a kid (sometimes I do wonder if I would have met criteria for Selective Mutism, but my parents are not best record keepers and I don’t trust my own memories).  But, I feel more together and confident in a lot of areas.  The changes that happened were necessary and positive.

Yep.  Here I am.  Getting back into something that makes me happy.  Again, even if no one reads it.  I’m still trying figure out where I want to go with this.  I enjoy writing in such a stream of consciousness way.  I miss being able to just start on a topic and see where it takes me.  So I missed this.  Here I am!  Yay and I am making a commitment to myself to start writing again!

Here’s a Cumby!

 

Poll: What is wrong with me?

After a week of severe pain and going to work with a fever, I was finally told that I “look like death” and bribed into going to the doctor.  So I went to Urgent Care (cause it was Saturday afternoon by the time I got around to going).  They sent me to the ER because I needed imaging done and looked too hellish to wait until Monday.  So I got the kind of “cool” ultrasound that would make Scott Walker proud, told that I had fibroids and an infection, given antibiotics, and a ridiculous bill.  I took my pills and followed up with my doctor.  I was miserable for many days.  I was tired, depressed, confused, and feverish.

dying

So that was many weeks ago.  However said pain has not gone away.  I went back to doctor and was told “There’s no reason for you to still be experiencing pain.”  And I was sent on my way.

dying3

So, since there is no reason for me to still be in pain and everyone keeps telling me this is in my head, I’m left wondering what the hell is wrong with me.

After consulting with my circle of people (which happens to include many therapists of different orientations as well as people who read too much), my options have been widdled down to:

Factitious Disorder
Conversion Disorder
Existential Crisis (Samuel Beckett style)
Hysteria (a la The Yellow Wallpaper)

To help you along, my symptoms include:

Feeling that someone is stabbing a knitting needle through my left ovary
Exhaustion
Ennui
Self-Loathing
Staring blankly at things without realizing that people are talking to me
Desire to read a lot of Murakami

dying2

Your input is appreciated.

Life Goal: Getting my shit together.

I’m increasingly impressed with my ability to think that I’m a complete fuck up and later find out I’m only 90% fuck up.

In hopes of getting the most out of that 10% of success in life I’ve decided to make a list of life goals.

advice

They are these:

Get a second beagle puppy.

beagles12

Get a third (and possibly fourth) beagle puppy.

beagles

Find a house in Chicago that is conducive to multiple beagles.

laughing

Find a permanent job/never be a “trainee” again.

giveittome

Find a job that pays enough to maintain my lifestyle of Netflix, good bourbon, and beagles.

swordandthestone

Not have anxious, insecurity freakouts on boyfriend (more realistic goal: decrease number of anxious, insecurity freakouts on boyfriend)

daisy

Be amazing like David Bowie.

bowieclass

Resist urge to read comment sections in the news.

iq

Be able to talk to people at social gatherings (more realistic goal: decrease number of bourbons it takes to talk to people at social gatherings)

hell

Realize that “full time” means 40 hours, not 65, 70, or 80.  Also decrease caffeine intake.

tired

Convince self that socializing isn’t death

company

Figure out why Ben and Jerry’s says there are 4 servings in a pint (it’s clearly 2 at best)

icecream

Ok.  Plan to get life on Track: Go!

Introvert Fail.

I feel incredibly awful about having not written anything in nearly 4 months.  I ‘ve half written like 8 posts that just fizzled at some point.  I actually can’t even believe how much time has passed.  Mostly due to incredibly busy schedules and adjusting to new jobs and adult life which, as it turns out, sucks as bad as I always feared it would.  See, I thought, I hoped, that it would be one of those things that I built myself up for so much and then when it came it would all turn out to be okay.  Nope.  Nope nope nope nope nope.  Sucks.  Real bad.  Hate it, hate everything about it.

prince

Long story short, I may have entered adult world, but I am still my 5 year-old self who clearly wants to be left alone to play with my Legos and watch X Files in peace, and please don’t interrupt me while I’m reading.

donnie-darko.jpg

And, as it turns out, that is not how a functional adult functions.

ariel2

This is a fact I was not prepared for.  And it has now gotten me in trouble.  Gone are the days when I can kick ass and do my work alone in peace and kick ass at it while I make snarky comments under my breath because at least I know I kick ass at the work that I do.  No, apparently and this sucks real bad, I have to do this socialize thing.

garth

I’m going to blame my parents for not preparing me for this “office politics” thing.  I don’t really have a basis for this, but I can’t afford therapy right now.  Sorry Mom and Dad.  😦  I’m sure you did your best with me, but I fail in the functional socialization aspect of life.

picard

Anyway, apparently I don’t smile and chat enough at work and everyone hates me.  I seem to come off as “disengaged.”  Not sure what to with this information other than feel really bad about myself.  Can’t seem to get past that stage….

nervous

But this is where I get so frustrated with myself.  I fully recognize that I am bad at interacting.  I don’t like it cause it’s genuinely hard when I first meet people.  I am one of those people who has to mindfully tell myself to look up from the ground, to look at people, and to smile, and to show interest.  It would be wonderful if these things came naturally.  But they don’t.  I’m usually not paying attention to my surroundings because I’m lost in my own thoughts, focused on whatever I’m doing or some random thought that popped up in my head.  I also have to mindfully tell myself to compliment or comment on people around me.  But I also have to focus on filtering the weird, tangential thoughts that I have to something more appropriate.  This, my friends, takes a minute.  So it ends up in this situation where I have to take a minute to put together thoughts into something socially appropriate, at which point the conversation has usually taken a turn or I have missed my opportunity.  And again I end up seeming disinterested, no matter the effort I’m putting forward.  These are the things that suck.

sherl2

Now, for my own self, I prefer just embracing the introverted thing.  That gives me the leeway to get used to a situation, see how much I actually have to filter and what I can get away with not filtering, also reducing the anxiety that makes the filter work slower.  Most of the time, this has worked out fine.  I spend a few months looking like a quiet weirdo and then come out of my protective hate shell.

But I promise if you get to know me I'm amazing!

But I promise if you get to know me I’m amazing!

But adult world does not want to be this patient.  So I am here now, drinking wine and wondering if Irishing up my coffee will help things when I return to work in the morning.  Introvert Fail.

I promise I’m really not a cold, disinterested bitch!  At least not on purpose!

awkward

Although, in all fairness, I don’t ask anyone else to give a fuck about Asimov’s Foundation Triology or which David Bowie Era was the most creative.  <—Defensiveness

Long story short, absenteeism=shy adult anxiety stifling word writing ability.

neverland

Me vs. Internet Companies

It never fails.  Internet hates me.  And all I tried to do is love it.  This is the story of every single time I move and try to get internet hooked up.

I call internet company and they tell me that it will be 3 weeks.  

phonecall

Fine.  Okay.  Whatever. 

patience

Week 2.  Patience wears thin.

save me

The day before interwebz comes, I start to celebrate and think about all the internetting I’m going to do.

excited

And the day comes and no one shows up.  And I call…

wtf

And they’re like “blah blah blah, no internet for you.”  

polite

Me:

whydon'tyouloveme

Them:

no2

Please?

notokay

Them:  Okay, we’ll send someone out in 3 more weeks.  Now, piss off.  Wait.

waiting2

wait…

giveittome

But it’s time now!!! Let’s call to make sure they are coming this time!

waynes-world

Me:  Hey internet people!  Can’t wait to see you tomorrow!  What?  You’re not coming?

what

Internet people:

no3

Me: 

liiiiiiies-american-horror-story

Them: “Let me see what we can do.”

internet

Me: …on hold….

waiting

Them:

Tno

Me:

displeased

Them:

umad

Me:  “I don’t know why I ever trusted you.”

eat it

Them:  Because you have no choice.

darth

Me:

killing

Until this gets resolved, Internet, just know this:

gg

I think I’m just awful at being a human being.

The more I’m forced into Adult World the more I’m forced to realize that I”m bad at being a human being.

Really, I’m horrible.  I find human interaction absolutely exhausting.  I just legitimately DO NOT understand so many things that go into being a functional adult.  I’m learning that questioning things that are ” just what you do” get you hella side-eye.  Oh, and apparently you’re not supposed to admit how much you hate thing or try to be funny with your boss.  If your hobbies aren’t crossfit or something on pinterest, you are a weirdo.

arielgross

Instances that brought me to this conclusion:

Commiserating with co-workers about expensive travel, I said this: “I’m glad I don’t have any friends, it means I don’t have to go to a lot of weddings.”
Coworker:  “So…essentially you just said that friends a hassle.”
Me:  “Well…yeah…right?”

humble

Co-workers talking about weekend drinking, workouts, etc.  Then ask how my weekend was:  “Oh!  The antique shop down my street had a sidewalk sale!  It was so cool, OMG!”    *co-workers blink, then stare*

swordandthestone

My sisters asks me how I like my neighborhood: “It’s fucking weird.  All these people wave at me and shit and try to be friendly.  They invited us to a block party.  Who does that?”

My friend and I getting out of my car and neighbor waves “Hello:”  *awkward wave and forced smile* “quick, get inside before he thinks he can chat us up.”

idon'tlifeyou

Family leaves after visiting for a weekend: begin immediate cleaning, hug dog, and tell him “it’s okay, it’s just me now.  And ice cream.”

On discussing the zombie (or other type of) apocalypse:
Me:  “I think I’d just die.”
Boyfriend:  “What?  Wouldn’t you like try to fight or save people or anything.”
Me: “No.  It just seems like it would be really hard.  Like, everything would be hard.  I don’t want to do that.”

2014officespace1

Debating the worth of Indian Jones movies with a history buff:
History buff:  “But Indiana Jones is like history adventure and action.  You add aliens and it’s just ridiculous Chariots of the Gods stuff.”
Me: “But all the other movies are based on religious myths.  I see religious myths and alien myths as the same….but I think that’s offensive to say isn’t it? umm….”

sherlock sorry

Boyfriend getting ready to go out of town for weekend:
Boyfriend: “What are you gonna do while I’m gone?”
Me: “Transcribe research interviews.  Analyze.  Self-loath.”
Boyfriend: “Why don’t you go out with friends?”
Me: “…I don’t….have friends?”

smegle

After my graduation ceremony:
Mom: “Did you want to go to that cocktail hour for your graduating class and see your classmates?”
Sister:  “You know she doesn’t.”

sisterkatniss
When my friend comments on my back tattoo being hard to read:  “No, I like it that way because I don’t like when people comment on my tattoos and ask what they mean.”

tumblr_m0qrax50Mv1qfosvh

It’s become kind of a fun game, my utter lack of social grace/interest.  I’ve learned that if I laugh off the more offensive things that I say (only noticing how offensive they are as I get to the end of the sentence) I get people to just think that I’m a funny bitch.  This doesn’t always work and I often come off as just a bitch.  But I’ve also discovered that when I really REALLY try to be social and engage with people I’m fucking miserable.  I just don’t care.  I don’t care about the lives of 98% of people around me.  If you are my dog, boyfriend, or one of the very few friends and loved family members that are important in my life, I’m probably not going to try.

IDGAF

I know when I really have to try.  I can do it for a bit at a time, socialize and be casual.  But, and I can’t stress this enough, it’s exhausting and stressful.  It’s who I am.  I’m bad at being a human.  I’m okay with that.

bowie

How to get a job (In Chicago)

I got a job!!!!  WOooot!!

Fiercetyra

Actually I got a job like a month ago (ha!  One day before my arbitrary and unrealistic -May 30-deadline that I gave myself to feel some sort of self worth that obviously backfired because it resulted in 2 months of self-loathing before I got the offer).

selfloathing

But that’s in the past now!  And through this sorted process of job finding I learned a few things about how you get jobs.

You see, for the past 9 years I have been in the stressful, but protective bubble of school.  Scholarships, work study, student loans, practica, etc all protected me from the real world.  I had jobs, bartending, serving, tutoring, I was Sauerkraut Girl for one glorious winter break.  But I never felt bad about these temporary and low paying jobs because I convinced myself, well, deluded myself into thinking that I would be better on the other side.  I would be big fancy doctor pants and it would all be worth it.  Not getting a serving job that I didn’t care about didn’t matter because there were 100 bars all over the place that always needed someone.

Enter impending graduation and forced entry into the real world.

fight-my-way

It turns out when you work really hard on something, a degree, you want really hard to prove that you deserve it and that you’re good at it.  The first step to that is finding a job that utilizes said degree.  Every single time you get rejected it provides a little proof that you do not deserve that degree.  No matter how hard you worked, you still suck.   Every single time a cohort member gets a job, you hate them and yourself more.

angst

You polish and polish and polish your resume.  You realize you are polishing a turd.  You cry.  You eat feelings.  This goes on for months.

But Bowie explained all of that.

Gratuitous use of the most ridiculous moment in film.

Gratuitous use of the most ridiculous moment in film.

Anyway, I actually got two fellowship offers.  And you know what I realized through these offers?  There are only two ways to get a job in Chicago.  Nepotism or amazingly cute shoes.

Add shoes and a connection and you have a job in this town.

Add shoes and a connection and you have a job in this town.

I know right?  I mean, nepotism doesn’t surprise anyone.  This is Chicago.  We can quit pretending like this surprises us.  My first job offer came from a friend of a friend.  Friend passed CV to her friend, kablam!  Offer.  Legit, like no interview until after offer was made.

Shoes?   I wish I was making that up.  I wear different shoes all the time.  I love shoes.  But I have one pair of shoes that I have worn to pretty much every successful interview, save my current placement.  They are old and they are cute as hell.  I bought them for grad school interviews and those bitches have kept me solid ever since.  And this is not even belief in luck.  I always have someone comment on the shoes at the school or agency.  I wore them to interview at a site way beyond my reach, and those fuckers hired me!  Only, of course, after commenting on my shoes.  Now, these shoes are not comfortable in any way.  Or even fancy; I bought them at Target in 2008.  But they are my “Hey, I’m a 6 ft tall badass therapist” shoes, apparently.  They’re old and worn out.  But I’m afraid if I get rid of them I will be forever unemployed.

Shoes

Anyway, that is the story of how I got a job and value as a human being.

The End

Aww thanks, Cumby!

Aww thanks, Cumby!