Yeah. I don’t get weddings.

Ok.  I can’t not say it anymore:  I don’t get weddings.

I’m sorry to offend everyone and anyone who is married, wants to be married, is working on getting married, etc. I just….I don’t get weddings.

weddingcute
no fucks

I get being married.  I get the tax break thing.  The whole “now you can be on my insurance!” thing.  All of that legal contacting stuff.  And perhaps this adds more credence to boyfriend and best friend’s assertion that I’m an android.  Those things make sense.  If I share a house with you and most of my paycheck, yeah let’s file our taxes together!   Yeah, jump on my insurance!  Since I’m with you all the time anyway and you apparently trust me, yeah let me be in charge of medical decisions when you’re comatose.  These things are just logical.

Also, so you don't have to testify against each other.  Also, Chuck and Blair had the only acceptable TV wedding ever.

Also, so you don’t have to testify against each other in court.  Also, Chuck and Blair had the only acceptable TV wedding ever…because they’re Chuck and Blair.

Now weddings on the other hand are some sort of freakish social occurrence that the android part of me will never understand.  Is it my social anxiety and fact that I avoid groups of more than 3 at all costs?  Is it the fact that too many of my family being in the same room at once is grounds for Homeland Security intervention?  Or is it really that weddings make no fucking sense.

sherlock4sherlock2sherlockwedding3sherlockwedding4sherlockwedding5sherlock3sherlockwedding7

Thank you Sherlock.  Once again, you get me.

I’m at that point where it seems like everyone that I know is getting married.  It covers my facebook wall.  I hear talk about it everywhere I go.  And I honestly do feel like Data because I keep just thinking “I don’t get it.  What is this?  Why is this?  Do you have to do this?  What’s the point of this?”  I feel like I have to apologize all the time for not getting it.

datawedding

But if someone could kindly answer me these questions:

Why is there a ceremony and a reception?
Why are those two separate things, especially when you’re not at a church?
Why do you pay someone to make an itunes list of cliche songs that nobody actually likes?
Why do people make speeches?
What’s the deal with wedding parties?
Why is it okay to ask other people (parents) to pay for your wedding?
Why do you have a wedding shower?  And then you get gifts for a wedding shower and then for the wedding?
Why is it okay to ask for ridiculous, unnecessary things on your wedding registry?
Why is it so offensive to not attend weddings?
Why do people spend so much money on weddings?  Wouldn’t it be better to spend that on the honeymoon or, like, a house?Again, the wedding registry thing.  Don’t get it.  You already live together.  Why do you need more things?
What the hell with bachelor/bachelorette parties?
Why is there so much pomp and circumstance and “tradition” associated with weddings?
Why would you ever change your name?  Why is this an expectation or even a conversation?
Does everything really have to match?
You really have to make appointments to pick out place settings?  Why does any of this matter?
Why does everyone get so offended when people elope?
If having those two people in the same room is going to be a problem, why invite them?
Why is it so offensive to not invite certain people to weddings?
Why do brides drive themselves so insane planning weddings?

crazy

I ask these things not to be a dick, but because I honestly, truly don’t get it.  People get so stressed out and crazed about weddings and I simply do not understand why.  I understand that many of these things have very traditional roots.  But I thought we were past all of that?  Doweries, which is the root of why the bride’s family is expected to pay for/contribute to the wedding.  Name changing indicates a change of possession.  Bachelor/Bachelorette parties are supposed to be like the end of “freedom,” again, don’t get it.  Registries were intended to help the couple get on their feet and build a home.  But bitches already live together and they have that shit!  I have seen some of the greediest registries ever.  People asking for video game systems, TV’s, and all of this.  No.  How about I donate to a child welfare agency in your name instead of buying you some ridiculous shit that you could have bought yourself if you didn’t throw this weird party?

But that is weddings are.  They are a weird party.  I have gathered that weddings are a celebration that a couple can successfully make plans and a budget without breaking up.  Which I suppose is something to celebrate.

idol

To each their own.  But Boyfriend and I are going to continue living in sin until one of us has a job with benefits that the other can leach off of, then I’ll buy a pretty dress (because in that instance I can use “tradition” to justify the fact that I like to buy things) and we’ll sign papers and move on with our lives.  Maybe we’ll make people buy us stuff.  Because I would really love a cappuccino machine.

The love of a new cappuccino machine!

The love of a new cappuccino machine!

Oh and cake!  I like cake.   That part of weddings I agree with.  Keep that.

cake

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