Internet Woes–Warning: This post has an offensive number of Cillian gifs–because I need to entertain myself somehow.

If one more person tells me I should be enjoying life without internet I’m going to cut them.  Detroit style.

boredcillian

Please don't judge me, friend.

Cumby! What are you doing here? This post isn’t for you!

Thanks to the lovely people of AT&T and Comcast/XFinity, I have been without internet for 3 weeks.

angrycillian

I have the occasional Starbucks trip.  But when your post-move budget allows for nightly meals of pasta with “butter” and carrot sticks, Starbucks is a rare treat.

So three weeks.  Three weeks and I have no internet, no Netflix, no news.  Yes, I have my phone.  But even that is extremely limited in what I can do.  I am also not working right now.  So I’m at home.  All day.  Broke.  Internetless.  I’m ready to go insane.

I warned you.

I warned you.

Honestly.  I can’t follow news.  I have limited ability to follow up on emails.  I can’t begin copy editing my diss or begin dissemination of findings to my sites.  My facebooking is limited.  I can’t amuse myself with gifs and memes.  I can’t learn weird random things.  I can’t find new recipes.  I can’t fantasy shop.

Most of these things sound frivolous.  But think about all the stupid things you do online that you get immense enjoyment and escapism from.  And then remove any of that escapism and enjoyment.

death

But what is the most infuriating about this is that when I complain to people, they tell me I should “enjoy it!”  You know, “get out of the house,”  “go outside,” “read a book,”  “enjoy the city,” and the like.

bitchplease

I am a recluse.  I like being a recluse.  I generally like spending days in the house at a time talking only to friends and family on facebook.  Having lively discussions with intense use of gifs and kitty stickers with my best friend in another state is my favorite way to spend a Saturday.  I am in a committed relationship with online documentaries.  I read nearly every article on io9, BBC Future, and the Mind & Brain section of Science Daily.  Buzzfeed is like water to me.  I google just about every question that pops into my mind because I hate leaving even rhetorical questions unanswered.  I was actively following Snowden and the NSA case (until I went over to Julian Assange’s statement on Bradley Manning from the Wikileaks website and my computer blue screened and strange things stated happening…but that’s another story…).  I have no idea what’s going on in Egypt.  And I’m sure I’ve missed some amazing Shepard Smith moments!  I am a fucking Millennial.  Internet is all I know and I like that!

shep400

Aside from my unwavering adoration for the internet, I would like to ask these people what they think I should do all these weeks without internet?  I keep hearing “Read a book!”  Bitch.  Something Wicked This Way Comes, 137, Self-Reference Engine, The Information, A People’s History of American Empire, The Greatest Adventures of Sherlock Holmes (nearly the entire fucking collection), The Trial, and Born to Rebel have all been read in the past two months.  Don’t pull this shit on me.

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So then I get “Go outside!” and usually something ridiculous like “go Kayaking!”  My exact response to this one: “I don’t like interacting with nature” not that closely.  I will hike and run and appreciate it.  But fuck interaction.  Have fun with your hobbies and interests.  Those are not mine.  I have exactly zero interest in things such as camping and canoeing.  Last time I tried I ended up tipping over in a gross river.  Why would I do that to myself again?  Oh, and did I mention that I live in Chicago?  Where the summer weather is either 90 degrees with 80% humidity or a week of constant rain?  Did I also mention that I’m pale as fuck and have irrational fears of sunburn, skin cancer, and what I have called “old lady tits” (you know those old ladies who never wore sun block in their youth and by the time their 40 their cleave is constantly the color of cheap leather and wrinkly and covered in unhealthy looking moles?)?  Did I mention that?  Oh, I also hate bugs and the smell of children in the summer (you know the smell, dirt, cheap sunblock, and pb&j?).  So, no thank you.  You have all the fun with that.  To each their own.  I’m sure my hobbies would bore you as well.

cillianmwenn5511372__oPt

“Enjoy the city!”—You can’t do this on less than $60/day.  Fact.

So here I sit.  Typing this on Word because, no matter how hard boyfriend and I try, Comcast hates us.  And I can’t go to Starbucks anyway because it is raining, so I can’t walk, and I don’t have money to put gas in the car, so I can’t drive.  Now I’m gonna watch Breakfast on Pluto and remind myself that Cillian is a prettier girl than I could ever be.

breakfastonpluto

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