The Downfalls of Being Tattooed

I am a tattooed lady.

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Right now I have 5 tattoos and they are all super badass.  Just kidding, they are really geeky.  Suffice it to say that David Bowie, Robert Heinlein, and Carl Jung are all featured on my skin–no portraits, just inspirations–and soon there will be either an Assimov or a Sagan.

I fucking love my tattoos and I love being tattooed.  I think tattoos are beautiful, expressive, unique, and fucking sexy.  I think they can show that you have fully taken ownership over your own skin.  This doesn’t mean you have to have tattoos to do this, of course.  But for me, I love them.  Good, well thought out tattoos are one of the most amazing things in the world to me.  I love the atmosphere of a tattoo shop and a good conversation with other people in the tattoo culture about their favorite styles and pieces.  I’ve wanted tattoos since my dad first read The Illustrated Man to me and my sisters.  I’m not heavily tattooed, but I hope to be one day.  I’m still young.

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However, there are a few things that I hate about being a tattooed lady:

1) Every time I start a new job/training placement I have to strategically plan my outfits during the first few weeks/months to keep them covered and then work my way up to slow reveals.  My tattoos are placed so that they are easily covered or revealed.  But I don’t like having to think about the professional ramifications of being tattooed.  My most recent placement was really tattoo-friendly, my supervisor had a few that she would show at times and had no problem with them.  However, previously placements have been less supportive and I found myself wearing long sleeves in June.  I have had almost exclusively good experiences with my clients about my tattoos.  It actually opened up an interesting conversation with a child client with an abuse history when she saw one and said “people aren’t supposed to touch you and that means drawing on you too!”  So we talked about how me and the “drawer” talked about him drawing on me and he wasn’t allowed to draw on me until I agreed on what we were drawing.  Parents haven’t really had a problem either.  Mostly my problems have been with administrators who tend to be more old-school and look down on tattoos or piercings.  It is disappointing and very frustrating.

2) I hate being touched by strangers because I have tattoos.  You don’t go to the museum and put your dirty, grubby hands on things do you?  You don’t walk up to non-tattooed people and grab at their skin because they have an interesting birthmark?  People who touch tattooed people should be slapped.  And my other problem with this is that it seems to only happen to girls.  I have asked a ton of dudes with tattoos if this has ever happened to them and they look at me like “Of course not!  Why would anyone do that?”  Only people without tattoos do this.  They grab and pull and trace the tattoo like you are a fucking freak.  I think this comes from the mistaken idea that people with tattoos somehow do not respect their body or have no boundaries.  I hate to break it to you, but we do.  We love our bodies, that is why we decorate them.  I also think that it partially comes from people thinking that we get tattoos to “shock” or otherwise be on display for others.  Again, FUCKING FALSE.   Go fuck yourself.  I get tattoos for much the same reason I wear eyeliner, because I like it and it makes me feel pretty and like an ultra badass.  Do not touch me.

tattoo etiquette

Oh, and on the same note, the other day, while walking home from CVS, some creeper was very obviously taking pictures of me!  I was wearing a strapless dress so tattoos were all out and this creepy fuck was just snapping some photos of my back on his iPhone!  WTF?  I dodged him in an alley before he could drug me and cut off my skin and hang it in his study.  Again, NOT OKAY!

3)  It’s really annoying to be stopped by people on the street asking what my tattoos mean and being expected to carry on a conversation about them.  I don’t like to talk to people.  Again, my tattoos are not for you or your amusement and I don’t like talking to people.  Ink does not change my natural tendency toward introversion.  I think because I have some script and such, people think there is some deep meaning to shit that I want to share with the world.  Nope.  Not the case.  I get slightly annoyed, but more amused when people think they know the meaning of the tattoo and are super off base.  I overheard someone whisper “that’s Vonnegut” to their glaring elevator friend in reference to my Heinlein tattoo.  I corrected in a tone that I felt equaled the rudeness of the glare.  Someone else began to tell me what a big Harry Potter fan they were when they saw my Bowie tattoo.  That was funny because I responded to his comments with ones about Bowie and I don’t think he caught on.  “OMG what did you think of X book?  That’s my favorite this part when Harry blah blah magic stuff!”  “Well, you  know Diamond Dogs is a really underrated album.  But it must have been hard to come out of the shadow of the Ziggy Stardust era.”  If I have be surrounded by idiots, I’m at least going to amuse myself.

4)  Gawkers and behind-the-back lecturers.  Recently, while on vacation with my best friend, we were on a little boat between islands in the Great Lakes.  We are both tattooed and lovely.  The ladies in front of us on the boat, with their “yay Jesus” apparel, began talking about how terrible tattoos were and how they could never respect anyone who did that to their bodies.  Implying very openly that we were degenerates.  So, I decided to fulfill their expectations.  I began talking loudly about how, when I was a child learning geography the word tricks I used to remember what a Peninsula was and hypothesizing about how many people died in the lake.  Please don’t gawk.  You get what you deserve when you loudly judge me, acting like I can’t hear you.  At least have the balls to turn around tell me I’m a bad person.

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5)  In the opposite vein, I hate being sexualized because I’m tattooed.  I did say I think tattoos are sexy.  Because they are.  I think they’re attractive on all people.  But having art on my does not reduce me to an object.  I remain a full, complex person even with ink.  Please respect that.  I have subscribed and “liked” a lot of pages about tattoos because I like to see different styles of art and I hope for more acceptance of tattoos.  Most of these pages encourage followers to  post pictures of themselves and their tattoos.  Almost immediately the women on these pages are rated on their looks, not their tattoos, as “10/10 would bang” and “She’s so gross” and every in between of that, even if the picture is not sexual in any way.  Their body is pieced apart and they are judged in a disgusting way.  I want to scream.  About 10% of the conversation is about the art or any actual encouragement for tattoo acceptance, the rest is criticizing the woman, her profession, her body.  INFURIATING!  It is very hard to love your tattoos and your body at the same time when you are a chick and feel like a person when people are picking it apart.  I can’t speak to this for guys, but I would like to know if they experience this.

I'm so sorry.  I thought this page was about tattoos, not porn.  I was clearly mistaken.  Carry on.

I’m so sorry. I thought this page was about tattoos, not porn. I was clearly mistaken. Carry on.

6)  Tribal/Cultural/Ethnic tattoos outside of your particular culture.  I’m not even starting on this.  It is a whole different rant.  But, white folks.  just stop.

I don’t really get bothered when people are like “What is that going to look like when you’re old” because I figure I’ll be funny looking when I’m old no matter what.  Nor do I care when people, mostly my gram, say things like “what about on you’re wedding day?”  Because, boyfriend and I are not having traditional marriage things anyway and, even if we did, why would I worry about covering up something I already think is beautiful on a day that I’m supposed to be all pretty anyway?

That is it.  I think.  IDK.  But I leave the non-tattooed world with this piece of advice regarding tattoo etiquette:

If you want to compliment someone’s tattoos, say this “Excuse me.  I’m sorry to bother you, but your tattoo is beautiful/interesting/unique….Have a nice day.”

Other comments/questions may follow in this fashion:

“I admire them.”
“Who is your artist?”
“I have been thinking about blah, what is your experience?”
etc in this vein.

If someone as awkward and socially inept as I am can figure this out, why can’t others?

My mind rebels at stagnation–bahhhhhhH!!!!!!

Dear World:

It has come to my attention that I am bored.  Like SOOOOOO bored!  I defended my diss, finished classes, and finished my prac training within the past 6 weeks.  Since then I have read 6 books and a graphic novelization of some Zinn, I have watched like every documentary ever, way too much Pretty Little Liars for my health, ran an average of 23.2 miles per week (thanks Runkeeper), and organized my filing cabinet…

So, clearly I need a hobby.  And according to my dearest friend, stalking gifs of Cillian Murphy and Cumberbatch is not a hobby.  Nor is obsessively following the release of the new Season of Sherlock.   Although I will contend this with her privately, I fear she may be right.

And thus, I ask you, oh great and wise world, what does one do with one’s self when they have an excess amount of time on their hands?  I have not worked one job, a limited 40 hours per week since I was like 16.  This is all too foreign to me.  I haven’t written much on the blog because…well my mind is so static.  I’m having a mad Sherlock moment here.

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Please don't judge me, friend.

Please don’t judge me, friend.

I think boyfriend is going to kill me if I don’t find something to occupy my mind.

So, hobbies?  Keep in mind, 1) I am broke, 2) other than my amazing cooking talents I have no domestic skills and am not interesting in learning any, and 3) I am not graceful/coordinated so nothing that involves complex movements (like Yoga or dancing).

A list of hobbies I have already attempted:
Teaching my dog to do impressions of Eddie Veddar
Learning Spanish–It took multiple years of Speech Therapy to learn to speak English properly, so I decided any continued attempts at Spanish would be futile
Flirting with awkward people until one of the two of us out-awkwards the other
Getting in fights with my landlord
Perfecting my impression of Tom Waits
Counting the freckles on my left shoulder

As I’m sure you can tell, all of these efforts have had limited success.

Couldn’t Have Said It Better.

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/07/15/6-decisions-trayvon_n_3600690.html?utm_hp_ref=mostpopular

Just sharing a great article.  I really have nothing to add to it.Trayvon Martin

I can’t even get past being disgusted to get angry.

Fucking Disgusting.

Those are the only words I can even come up with to describe my feelings about the George Zimmerman verdict.

I don’t have the neurons to process and make sense of this.  I got ill when I saw the CNN headline.

What?  What is the reasoning behind this?  Someone has to tell me because I couldn’t read any of the news without becoming nauseous.

Seriously.  How does a man walk out of his house, after being advised to stay inside by a 911 dispatcher, with a loaded gun, chase down and provoke an unarmed kid, shoot him, and not be found guilty?  There is no logic behind that!

This feels like an instance where the child was put on trial for fighting back.  Sound familiar?  If you are at all even approaching the minority status, you are expected to take what is thrown at you, even if it is the butt of a gun apparently.

Ugh ack,  the shitty, racist facebook feeds are coming in!  Saying Zimmerman was “only defending himself.”  Go fuck yourself.  It’s not self-defense when you’re the one with a gun that incited the incident.  If not for Zimmerman, I would be sitting here analyzing the gender typing in Pacific Rim for you.   Not experiencing and elevated heart rate and rage typing over a dead kid.  Now I’m being called a stupid bitch on facebook.  What’s new?

Why does this bother me so much?  Because Trayvon is like so many of the kids that I have worked with in the past.  I can see in my mind how this could happen to just about any of the teens I have worked with.  It’s sad.  It’s disgusting.  I don’t really have any even remotely critical thoughts about this other than the visceral “fuck this culture” response and the rising vomit in my throat.

Having to respond to facebook comments from people that apparently think “justice was served” makes me want to throw my laptop across the room and move to Canada.  I don’t care that Zimmerman’s guns were legally registered.  I don’t care whose cries were on that phone.  I care that an adult man took a gun and chased after a kid with it.  I care that this should not have ever happened and it only happened because of a trigger happy racist piece of shit ran after a boy in  a hoodie.

Go fuck yourself, ‘Murika.

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My Amanda Bynes Theory

So I read this article:  http://www.salon.com/2013/07/07/when_did_amanda_bynes_turn_into_the_villains_from_her_movies_partner/

And I have decided AMANDA BYNES IS THE GREATEST PERFORMANCE ARTIST EVER.

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So I have not followed the Amanda Bynes thing as closely as I have followed other fantastic hollywood terror stories.  Mostly this is because I was busy defending my dissertation.  But now that that is done, it’s time to get back to wasting my brain on pop culture.

I remember Amanda from way back in the way back beginning with All That.  I feel like we grew up together.  As the article points out, she has always been the funny chick.   I liked her.  She broke some of the mold and could be funny instead of just being eye candy.  It was almost like she was a real comedian.  *gasp*

Oh my god it's a normal person!

Oh my god it’s a normal person!

So anyway, as she got older I imagine casting got harder.  I honestly can’t even think of a movie where female comedians are main characters that has been made in the last 10 years.  So she tries to branch out, play other characters, but she been type-casted.  She tries to get all sex-kittened out. Which is clearly awkward, for all of us.  Mind you, being sexy is different than being all sex-kittened out.  She failed.  Is this her fault for being first a comedian?  If so, I would like someone to tell that to any of the ugly, awkward, super-not sexy and not even good actor comedians out there who have not been put through the ringer of having to be  a sex symbol to have a career.

She looks enthused.

She looks enthused.

So anyway, my theory on her downfall (and perhaps my art-y sister might have a little more insight on this once I present the idea):  It’s all a performance.  It’s all a fantastical commentary on stardom.  I find it funny that I have heard more about her shitty wig and all too obviously attention-seeking, provocative tweets in the past few months than I have about her acting since The Amanda Show.  Anyway, she does a great job of hitting every Hollywood Starlet Gone Wild trope she could.  Crazy hair/make up, trouble with the law, offensive public outbursts, starting fights with other celebs, being super shallow, and now an eating disorder admission!  Touche, Ms. Bynes.  It’s like she took the best of Lindsey, Paris, and Britney and shoved it all in TMZ’s face, asking the world to watch her go crazy.  I’m reading her tweets and they’re fantastic.  Everything is about plastic surgery, being attractive, being thin.  I understand that this is how many people think anyway, but dude, it’s so transparent.  And people are SO OBSESSED watching her!

Anyway.  That is my theory.  I’m sticking to  it.

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