December 30, 2012 Leave a comment
I have a bit of a backwards relationship with my moods and motivation. Having dealt with depressive episodes in the past, and reflecting on them now years later, I’m almost hoping for another depressive, apathetic period of my life just to get me off my ass.
Being enmeshed in the academic world, and being the awkward, recluse that I am, I’ve discovered that the only time I want to work to impress people is when I’m miserable. When I’m tired, beaten down, and out of shits to give, I’ve discovered, is the only time I can make myself work to the point of impressing people–and the academic world is all about impressing people. I do my best work when I’m exhausted and pissed off.
As I have come to realize, after having a few weeks off work classes and training, is that when I am happy and myself, I could give a shit about the competitiveness of the world. All I have ever really dreamed of is a little townhouse/apartment in my neighborhood with a little yard, and a couple of beagles with boyfriend. So, when I am fully within my personality, fully myself, I only work so hard as to achieve that. It doesn’t take much to achieve such humble dream. So yeah, I may be lazy. I am an underachiever compared to what I’m capable of. I blame my dad.
However, occasionally shit hits the fan in my life. I either get overly annoyed by the people in my life who see my underachievement and believe that is all I’m capable of, or talk out their ass and I get so pissed I have to prove them wrong. When I get depressed, I also tend to get insecure. As any insecure weirdo knows, the only way to relieve that (without therapy and self-understanding or an internal sense of confidence) is recognition from people you respect. So, when I get depressed, insecure, self-loathing, ya know all that fun stuff, I tend to work harder to impress those people to get that recognition. I become very productive when I’m depressed. If I am feeling confident and content with anything in life, I really don’t give enough fucks to put effort into work. If I’m annoyed at any one person, no matter how meaningless their existence, I will spend hours at a time proving them wrong, even if they will never see or understand the final product. And then I’m all like–
I tend to wonder, if I was not as unhappy as I was in high school, would I have taken AP classes, enrolled in college classes, worked 40 hours a week, etc.? Or would I have just happily wandered into drama club and never come out? It’s an odd question, how worthwhile is your misery?
I don’t really know yet. But I’m hoping to get really miserable and insecure before I go into these internship interviews. Anyone wanna volunteer to just degrade me for the next 5 days? Or I could just read listservs about gun control and Sandy Hook, those usually piss me off enough call upon my intelligence.